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[May. 12th, 2006|07:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  but not really | ] |
Currently, I am tipsy off champange.
We just made rice krispies.
Cookies are yet to come.
Igby Falls Down is on.
And Josh has fallen asleep on the couch.
I hate my life sometimes.
Even though I love it right now.
I spent the day sleeping.
Then out to Noodles with Josh.
Then trips to WalMart to get our baking supplies and champange.
Then just hanging out...listening to music...talking...baking...watching movies...
I'm waking him up in ten to make our cookies.
I hate him so much sometimes...
But I don't |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|01:02 pm] |
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| | Crazy Game Of Poker in my head | ] |
so my kitty is at the vet to get spade and it's sad not having her around today...I just hope she doesn't have to stay overnight. So I was all sad about it and tired and just not in a good mood when I went to my noon class. Barrett and I stopped at the mailbox to check it and what do we find inside ?? No bills, no notices, nothing bad......and A LETTER FROM 2 OF MY 3 FAVORITE LADIES !!!!!!! Thanks girls for sending me stuff, it makes me smile (and Sandy, thanks for all the letters and cookies in the past) I heart you girls and miss you this much [---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------] (I think you get the point) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|10:41 pm] |
vodka lemonades with my mom while watching svu at 9 o'clock on a tuesday night make my horrible days at work seem ok.
p.s. I am in love with the main guy in entourage. Well maybe not really him but for sure is character. Now why can't there be film stars who once dated Mandy Moore, who smoke pot, and who hire all their friends as their hollywood team at U of I ?? Is that too much to ask.....I think not.
p.p.s. I miss hanging out with my friends |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|04:20 pm] |
I went to Ressurection today to visit Matt on my way home from Christina's. The office was closed so all I had to go on was the plot number and such from his mass card. I searched for an hour when I gave up and started to walk back to my car when it finally dawned on me how the numerical system worked and I found his site in like 2 seconds. I don't know why it's so hard the first time but it is. I thought it would be ok but it wasn't. He doesn't even have a head stone yet. Just some flowers and some angles. I left my key chain that plays "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling." It just seemed right. I stopped by Holy Seplecure on the way home to see Kelly and I've decided that missing them seperately is ok but missing them together is too hard.
So now I'm in one of those moods where you don't really feel sad but it hurts to think about things too much. Anything really, even things that aren't sad in nature are almost too much. Like all I can do is is just sit and space out and not think for alittle while. It's weird and I hate being sad, but some days are like this (even in Australia).
On a happier note, Molly's coming home !!!!!!! Imma pick her up from the aiport on the 11th at 9:30. I miss her so much. 7 days of hanging out with Molly....it feels like forever since I've seen her. I can't wait. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|01:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
Last night I went out with Christina and Brian and Nector to a concert for a band called Gravy Train!!! (that's their name, with three exclamation points, that not my excitement taking over, because it didn't really). I was definately not tredny enough for that scene. It was in an abonded loft/warehouse type place in some ghetto ass neighborhood on the west side. Think of what you expect a rave to be at and all the I'm-too-cool-for-life "trendy" kids that would be there and that's pretty much exactly what it was like. All the girls were wearing jean skirts with three belts, tights, and leggin's (retro mod is how I would describe their look). All the boys were skinnier than me. A guy blacked out on the second story loft area and fell an entire story !!!!!! He just went limp and fell like a dead body. It was crazy. It was super hot and everyone was dancing all 50's mod style with the jerky motions and facing eachother while doing the same move and stuff like that. After the show we were gonna walk to the l but we got a block away from where the show was and it was like a scene from a movie. Their were groups of black guys standing on the corners or on porches with their ghetto ass cars and tinted windows all in front of them. I thought we were gonna get shot at. So we turned and hauled ass back to Necter and got a ride to this bar on Halsted were Brians brother Chris was working. Free drink were had by all. Then tina and I walked to Bacci's (with a drunken stop by the apt to see if the boys were in, which they weren't). Back to Brians place followed by sleep, driving home, and the nothingness that is Beverly. Hopefully there'll be something going on but I don't think it can top the events of last night. A nigt of randomness at it's best. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|02:13 pm] |
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I bought a car yesterday!!!!! I have a car of my own that I payed for on my own that is entirely mine!!!! It's a 2000 Ford Focus Zx3. It's a silver, 2 door hatchback and I heart it. $5000 for it, but I have $1000 from the car accident we got in at the ISU dog show and then my parents are kicking in $1000 because (a) my car was more expensive than my sister's and not by choice and (b) my school is less expensive. Now if only gas wasn't $500 a gallon I'd be set. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2005|01:11 pm] |
I woke up this morning mad at my mom. I told her to let me sleep in because I was really tired and then she kept calling my name. I ignored her the first few times but then I finally got up and screamed down "What !?!?!" to her.
Matt died this morning. He was only 23. I'm not mad about it (which is the first time I haven't been mad about a death or illness since Kelly died). I'm actually happy that it's over. I have this overwhelming sense of sadness. Like everything inside me if farther down than it's supposed to be and there's just this big space.
I always thought we'd have forever. We were all so close when we were growing up and even into our teen years. When Frank got sick, our families seemed to blend into one. When Matt got sick, they got kinda pulled away from everyone, taking time to be a family incase of the worse. I talked to him and to Frank and Sue every now and then and they were always so happy and so optomistic and so humble. They were never mad or sad at the situation. It was hard, and we all knew they were going through alot, but they never let on that it was getting bad or that it was too hard. I always figured that after Matt got better it would go back to how it always was with our families. No one that knew them though it would come to this. Meg doesn't even know yet. We haven't called her because she's out running errands and we don't want to tell her when she's not at her place.
The first time all of our family and all of their family will be together again in about 2 years is at the wake. This is not how it's suppossed to be, but atleast Matt isn't in pain anymore. And I guess that thought makes it ok. In a weird, fucked up sort of way. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 9th, 2005|04:20 am] |
Barrett and Pat broke up tonight. It's 4:20 in the am and I have so much shit to do with finals and all. And now I'm afriad Barrett won't get out of bed. In fact, I know she won't. CryinAngelEyez3 (3:53:24 AM): I don't think I'm gonna wanna get out of bed. To quote her exactly. I don't know what I would do if I were in her position. They've been going out forever, going on 4 years now. There have even been talks of marriage (both of them have told me on numerous occasions that they knew they were going ot marry eachother). It's just really fucked up. And now I can't sleep. And tomorrow I have a final but I need to spend time with Barrett. I don't know what to do or say to her. I was thinking of bringing her a present. I'm not sure what yet. Any suggestions would be greatly appriciated.
Oh man, this is gonna be rough, I can just tell. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|12:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I'm going to see Micheal Ian Black today for free. Jealous ?? You should be |
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| "excuse me ladies, have you had a few drinks tonight?" |
[Mar. 18th, 2005|11:23 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | jubilant | ] |
So pretty much this event sums up my life....
Barrett and I went to Kam's. We got drunk (her more so than me). IT got raded. We left. Started running for fun (and because we were drunk). Barrett fell. Walked to the corner. Cop on Bike.
"Excuse me ladies, can you come talk to me for a minute. I'm a cop."
We walk over.
"Have you ladies had a few drinks tonight?"
Yes.
"Can I see your ids."
Barrett lies and says she doesn't have one. I give him mine.
"Were you at the bars tonight?"
No (such a lie). We were at a freinds apt.
"And where is that?"
Don't know the address. Down the block to the left (such a lie, again).
"Let me see your hands."
He checks our hands for stamps from the bar (which we rubbed off as soon as we got them, score for us).
"What's your name?"
Barrett starts crying.
"Why are you crying?"
::mummble sob sob mummble::
"Why is she crying?"
"Her dad's a cop." (me)
"And he's going to kill me." (Barrett)
"Where is he a cop?"
"Chicago."
"What district?"
"16."
At this point another cop comes over to us.
I have to stop myself from laughing at this point, so I start to frown.
"Why is she crying?" (asshole cop)
"Her dad's a cop." (first cop)
"Why are you crying" (asshole cop)
"Because I get sad when other people cry." (me)
"So if I started crying right now, you would too?" (ASSHOLE!!!!!!!)
Giving such a pissed off look "Yes!" (me)
"Ok, where are you going now?" (first cop)
home. 4th and springfield.
"Take her home." (copt to me as he hands me my id)
"And stop crying, your dad won't find out." (cop to Barrett)
Then we hall ass (but no running this time)
So no drinking ticket and talking to my old speech com ta. How did such a horrible event turn out so wonderfully? I have no idea but I love it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 27th, 2005|06:04 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drained | ] |
So it's 6 in the morning on Saturday night/Sunday morning and I can't seem to sleep. The sun is coming up and I kind of want to go outside and watch it. I haven't written in here since like forever ago and my doing this probably won't last for long but for the time being, I'm gonna write this entry. If more follow than they do, if not, no big loss (pun intended).
Tonight I stayed in. I didn't feel like going out because I'm sore from last night. Long story that involves me and Double A bitting the dust and falling/tumbling all over eachother. So going out and drinking wasn't high on my priority list. I also think I'm getting sick since the sight of food makes me wanna puke, and it's not from being hungover because it's been like this for the past 3 days and shows no sign of going away anytime soon. So I ordered a pizza because I had a mad craving and I thought might as well since I haven't been hungery and actually was. Bad idea. That did not sit well with me at all.
I think it's because I'm getting too stressed. Not so much about school, but about life in general. Which would also explain my not wanting to go out at all. In three weeks I've only gone out once. I used to go out atleat 2 times a week. Now's it done to once every 3 ??
Well I got two loads of bad news this week and am really homesick as well. Matt's pancrease isn't functional anymore. So now, instead of serving any form of purpose, it's just sitting in there, poisening his body. They also did a body scan to see how he's been reacting to this round of chem/radiation (for those counting it's round 3). I guess it's one of those good news/bad news things. Good news-it hasn't gotten any worse. Bad news-it hasn't gotten any better. But add in the whole pancrease thing and I'd have to say the bad news wins on this one.
Chris started his first round of chem/radiation this week as well. I really just want to call him and talk to him about this. But I mean atleast he's aknowledging me and keeping me informed via Molly. Plus, if I talked to him he'd probably start to cry, then I would too and then it would be even worse then it is now. He told Mols to ask if I was gonna be home for the parade. I don't think that that is how or when I want to see him for the first time since finding out. He's gonna quit everything. It's funny, when pot could be prescribed to him in certain states in the US he decides to give it up. I just pray (yes, I am actually doing that again) that everything works out fine because I don't think I (or the group as a whole) could stand to lose another friend from the same group. End of that thought because thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach.
So add that to the general shit that goes on in every day life and it gets a tad bit stressful. It consumes alot of my thought processs through out the day. Whenever my mind is free to wander, it always happens to stumble apon the "what ifs" involved. It also adds to alot of helplessness feelings, which, in general, make anyone feel inadequite at life. But it has also put so many things into perspective. Like, everything going on in my life doesn't seem quite so bad anymore. And the good things seem all the much better. I just hope that the good news starts to outweigh the bad, and soon.
Well it's 6:30 now, the sun is offically up, and I'm crying. Sounds like time to end this entry to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2005|03:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | jenny's snoring | ] |
I realize that I miss alot when I think about it.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|05:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | iTunes | ] |
So today we set the clocks back and tomorrow is a new month. With all of this change going on, I figured this is as good a time as any to make a few changes for myself.
1. No more of this. I don't want to be wirting in here to glorify anything I have or haven't done. I don't need it to justify my thoughts to others. I don't need people reading about my everyday life. And if I don't want them to read my everyday life, why would I want them to read things that matter to me ?? If I write anything here, it will all be private. I'm skipping the "Friends Only" option because, honestly, I'm sure none of you guys care all that much.
2. I need to find a focus in my life. No more wasting it away on petty little things, or things that I once found important that now mean nothing (and those things made up my whole life before).
3. No more letting people make me feel less or worse about myself (and if you think I'm talking about you, I probably am).
4. I don't want to be a negative person. I don't want the ways I've been feeling to be how I feel for the rest of my life. My outlook on life has to change, and hopefully will with this.
5. I will only put my energy into things that give me something in return. Selfish ?? Not at all. Just aware of the fact that I've been wasting all my energy on things that have only turned out bad for me. And I won't just sit here and take it anymore.
6. I will not be a push over. I used to go along with things to just keep the peace. Not anymore. I'll question everything. And it's sad that it has come to this, but that's what I get, I guess, for trusting to easily (and being let down even easier).
7. School. Just in general. I will be more focused on it, go to more classes, do things more than the nmight before they are due, actually try instead of just coasting through it with what I already know.
8. Stop worrying. About everyone, about myself, about life in general.
9. No regrets.
And there we have it. So sorry LJ, but our public relationship is now over. Wish I could change the past, but we all know that isn't possible. It's just the way things have to be, unfortunately. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2004|03:00 am] |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERRIE !!!!!!!
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2004|02:21 pm] |
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Can life stop for just one minute so I can take a fucking breath and catch up to reality ?? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2004|01:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
I think my moods are changing with the weather. Lately, I've been like how it is outside....dark and dreary. I don't really want to do anything but sit around in my room and listen to "emo" music. I think it's also the place. When I went home on Saturday I was fine and happy and regular but as soon as I got back, my mood did, too. I don't know. I'm just in a funk right now and I'm feeling the need to really get out of it but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Oh well, I'll deal.
So I took a test that was beyond easy this past week. I went to all of my class, and it was pointless. I did all of my work, yet agian, pointless. I went to a party on Friday at Jenny from Vernon Hill's neighbor's place. Things got alittle out of control there. People were called. Inivtes to more parties were gotten. Random talkings to random people at all hours of the night followed. It was alot of fun though and I'm glad I talked to the people I did. And I kept good to my word to call one of them drunk, he was drunk at the time as well. It was grand. I broke my nose. Well actually, Jenny (my roommate) did. I was trying to help her because she was really bad but I wasn't really in a condition to ehlp all that much. She flung her head back when I was leaning over her to see if she was ok and now I think my nose is broken. It is no fun.
I went home on Saturday and it was nice. I hung out with Jenny Smith. God, this update is full of Jennys. It was alot of fun actaully. Her friends are pretty cool and really nice.
I got back to school really early, at like 1. And then just watched alot of tv and talked on the phone alot. So all-in-all, a very productive day, wouldn't you say ?? Well I'm gonna go to bed now. Night. |
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| death to all midterms !!!!! |
[Oct. 15th, 2004|01:42 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | DMB | ] |
So it's almost 2 in the am and should be studying for my soc midterm.....but I'm not. I keep getting sidetracked....
I had class today from 9-5, like literally, no breaks. Ever since I started mentoring this is how all my Thursdays have been. So I get home and we're gonna go to dinner when Corby asks us to wait for her to get back, which was gonna be about an hour. So I figure, might as well lay down for that hour because I wasn't going to get anything done in that time anyways. So I did. Then I woke up and went to dinner and get back and started working right away.
I took my notes and the note I misse from Corby and sat down and answered all 6 pages, yes 6 pages, of typed out questions for a study guide. My answers to all the questions are 12 pages, front and back. And no skipping lines or anything. That took me from 7 to 11. Then Barrett called and I talked to her. Then I got totally side tracked and decided it would be better if I just went to bed and woke up and studied. So I layed down when distraction number 2 called....
Amy. She told me all about her awesome night with John. We talked about it for almost an hour. Then when I got finished talking to her, Corby came home and we started talking about the movies we've watched in soc (since they will be on the test) so I guess that sorta counts as studying. Then I came in here to go back to bed and the third distraction took over....
The computer. I started talking to a few people and then I started updating this thing.
So here I am, now 2 o'clock, with a midterm tomorrow that I should be studying for, tired as hell, and yet past the point of falling asleep. What a great night. Oh well, sometimes, it's worth it to get distracted. |
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